What happens if “it” is not perfect? I’m being serious here. Really, what happens? I ask this question right now because it has just now occurred to me that on a sub-conscious level, I really do believe the no perfection thing is just not okay. It surprises me again as I write this because certainly I have been here before and you know what? I will be here again. How disheartening it is though in the moment when you are completely sure, THIS IS IT.
This thing (and you know as well as I do the “thing” changes) this thing, is the game changer, I think- certainly I didn’t think is consciously but there it is, waiting in my subconscious for just this moment. Said moment arrives with eager anticipation, great excitement, abundant fanfare- sort of like how I used to feel as a small child on Christmas eve.
This reminds me of a story I heard once from a friend who received an unexpected, very thoughtful gift from a former student of his. It was so extraordinary to him that it could only be reciprocated by unparalleled grandiosity on his part. The problem was, there was nothing grandiose enough in his mind to warrant this gift. So, what did he do? Nothing. This bothered him so much that eventually he sent a thank you card that simply said, “Thank you.”
In this anti-climactic moment, I sit here at my desk. I realize that it’s not so much about the “it” as it is the pattern of thought that precedes it. Self-inventory is not for the faint-hearted but it is only with the spiritual practice of self-examination that I truly do slowly and incrementally become the woman I was created to express.